I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
