if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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