I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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