The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
