If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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