I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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