im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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