If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
