I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
false alarm. still invincible.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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