walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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