when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize