Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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