I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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