Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
