onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
