I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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