You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
zippers are such a cool invention
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
