WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
