i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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