I met the friendliest cop last night
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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