her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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