the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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