i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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