I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
