If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
