im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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