i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I see more hoeing in ur future
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
