you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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