Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
