Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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