At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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