i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
