I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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