Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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