Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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