I smell stomach acid.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
