he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you never un-have a 4some
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
