I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
