When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
