Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Randomize
