I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
