Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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