hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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