Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
