Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
