Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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