His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
