So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Still dying that you shit outside
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
