Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
