I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
