now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
