so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
