Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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