i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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