i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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