my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sorry about my life...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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