Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
only if we run a train.
done.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
