I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
