I love black thongs
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
