Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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