my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
How external is "for external use only"?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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