How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
